


Spain but the 's' is silent

by Strawberrycheezkake



Series: Tianshan One-shots [1]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Bad Writing, Depressing, Emotional Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Idk wtf I was doing writing this tbh, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Sad, Suicide, he tian's pov, not me thinking of tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26859985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strawberrycheezkake/pseuds/Strawberrycheezkake
Summary: I couldn't even bring myself to look at him - the guilt from what I had done was eating me up from inside.
Relationships: He Tian & Mo Guanshan (19 Days), He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Series: Tianshan One-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959457
Comments: 2
Kudos: 40





	Spain but the 's' is silent

**Author's Note:**

> He Tian visits Mo's grave a few years after his suicide.

Pain. That's the strongest emotion I felt coming back here every year. There were others from time to time - regret, anger and sadness - but I what I felt the most was pure _pain_. It stung worse than any normal pain though, it burned me from the inside straight to the outside. It had the same effect as swallowing a fireball. All of this because I knew _the entire situation_ was all my fault, _all of it_. I wished I'd never said those words to him, I wished we'd never had that argument. I regretted it the moment he started crying, the moment he ran out the door, slamming it in my face. I tried to run after him, find him, _apologize_ to him but I couldn't. He was nowhere, I looked for him until it was dawn but didn't find a trace of him anywhere. Not even his house. It's like he had completely disappeared off the map that day... and in a way he kind of had, since the next thing I knew, was the principal telling us he'd committed suicide and it hurt so fucking bad, knowing _I_ had caused this, knowing _I_ was the one who made him go this far, knowing _I_ was the reason behind his misery. Nobody knew why, that was, nobody apart from _me_ and I had to live with that. If I didn't, I'd lose myself, just like I had lost him.

I hadn't even realised the grave right in front of my feet. The thing triggering my consciousness was a picture. _His_ picture, making tears well up in the corner of my eyes. I flinched my eyesight away from his lively eyes and bright smile, I couldn't even bring myself to look at him - the guilt from what I had done was eating me up from inside. _How_ could I look at him after what I had done? After I drained that happiness out of him? After all the pain I had caused him? _How?_

I pulled out the flowers I had got out of my bag, placing them softly on Mo's dusty grave, my tears finally giving way. I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't _fucking_ believe it. Back in high school, I never would've thought he'd do something like this. I never would've thought that I'd be held accountable for something like this. All I thought about back then was how our future would be when I finally got him, once he finally accepted my love for him. All I cared about was _myself_ , I never once recalled asking _him_ about what _he_ wanted. All I cared about was my selfish needs, my need for the hole in my heart to be filled with the unrequited love I was giving him, hoping one day he'd return it. But this was the way love was sometimes, some would've said it's tragic, some would've said it's beautiful but for me, it was black and it was dark just like a funeral.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm gonna be surprised if anyone feels any sort of sadness whilst reading this bc it's so cranky, also idk wtf I just wrote tbh pls don't judge my clapped writing, mans 14 innit-


End file.
